The Dieter's Version of
A Visit From Saint Nicholas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.

Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

My mate in his girdle and I in chin straps,
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.

When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter,
I rolled from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I waddled and hurried,
"Was someone stealing our dinner?" I worried.

The kitchen was empty, no thieves were lurkin',
But I opened the Frigidaire just to be certain.

The marshmallow topping I spied in the glow,
Reminded me somewhat of new-fallen snow.

Then, what to my wandering eyes should appear,
But a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick,
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear:

On Pritikin, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy – I felt like a jerk.

Then pressing my fingers upon my heartburn,
And giving a belch, toward the bedroom I turned.

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry,
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
"In the morning I'll starve … 'til I take that first bite!"