The Politically Correct Version of
A Visit From Saint Nicholas

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck …
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves" –
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions up at the North Pole,
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear,
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
Because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA.

And millions of people were calling the cops,
When they heard sled noises up on their house tops.

The smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
And the fur on his suit was thought unenlightened.

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing for abuse of his nose.

He went on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So … half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him and nothing for her.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, nor for just boys.

No candy or sweets, they're bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth.

No baseball, no football … someone might get hurt,
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
And Nintendo would rot your whole brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
He just couldn't figure out what to do next?

He tried to be merry, he tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today!

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground,
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all, without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion.

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere … even you!

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth:

"MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES,
ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"